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Unlike me, you probably didn’t sit through John McCain’s hour with Rick Warren at the Saddleback Civil Forum last night. Here’s their conversation, distilled.

Pastor Rick Warren: Who are three wisest people you’d rely on for advice if you are elected?

John McCain: David Petraeus, who is the greatest American in history besides me, John Lewis, and Meg Whitman.

RW: What’s your greatest moral failure and America’s greatest moral failure?

JM: The end of my first marriage. For America, the fact that not everyone enlists in the military.

RW: Give me an example of a time when you put your country ahead of your party and yourself, politically?

JM: I believe some people may not have heard my old “never been elected Miss Congeniality in the Senate” joke. Also, I love Ronald Reagan.

RW: What’s the most significant thing you’ve changed your mind about in the past ten years?

JM: We need to start drilling for oil right here, right now.

RW: What’s the most gut wrenching decision you ever had to make, and what was your process?

JM: I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam.

RW: What does your Christianity mean to you on a daily basis?

JM: I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam.

RW: At what point is a baby entitled to human rights?

JM: You evangelicals can count on me to try to outlaw abortion.

RW: Define marriage.

JM: No gays allowed.

RW: Do you support Prop 8 in California?

JM: Of course. That’s what I’m supposed to say, right?

RW: Are you against embryonic stem cell research?

JM: I’m for embryonic stem cell research, but hopefully science will get me off the hook on this one.

RW: What do we do about evil?

JM: Evil = al Qaeda = Iraq = we’re winning the war and we can’t quit now.

RW: Which of the current Supreme Court justices would you not have nominated?

JM: Breyer. Souter. Stevens. Ginsberg. The evil ones.

RW: Should it be OK for faith based organizations to accept federal money and then use it to hire only people who share their religious beliefs?

JM: Of course.

RW: Should there be a merit pay system for teachers?

JM: Only until we privatize all their jobs.

RW: Define rich.

JM: Rich as in money or rich as in spirit? I hate taxes.

RW: What’s more important, individual privacy or national security?

JM: We need to all work together to agree that it’s OK for the government to spy on Americans constantly.

RW: What is worth Americans dying for?

JM: I’m proud to be an American.

RW: What are the criteria for the US committing troops?

JM: If I gave an honest answer to this question, you guys would totally freak out.

RW: What’s happening in Georgia right now?

JM: The new cold war is on like Donkey Kong. All my friends are calling Russia the Russian empire now.

RW: What would you do to stop religious persecution of all kinds?

JM: Ronald Reagan was awesome.

RW: I feel sorry for orphans. Would you support spending money to subsidize the adoption of more of the world’s orphans?

JM: My wife once adopted a child without telling me.

RW: Why do you want to be President?

JM: Don’t you watch my TV ads?

The complete transcript is here.